Here is a maths problem for you. You have met 20% of your insurance deductible and your insurance doesn’t pay out a penny until you’ve met 100%. You have a breast MRI scheduled for the next day that is vitally important, because it will show your doctors if your cancer has spread beyond the initial lesion. The hospital calls you and kindly tells you that you have not met your insurance deductible, and that you must therefore pay a $650 deposit upon your arrival that will go towards your deductible. However, they also inform you that the amount they will ultimately bill the insurance company for the MRI is $4,500 in total and that you will be responsible for the difference, due to not having met your deductible. Wait a second though, because this is where it gets quite interesting… your insurance company may have a pre-negotiated rate for how much they would ‘like’ to be charged for an MRI, so call them to find out what you will actually end up paying. Spend 20 minutes on the phone with your insurance company for them to tell you that they can’t tell you how much it costs, the hospital has to. Call the hospital back and have the exact same conversation with them where they say your insurance has to tell you. Hang on though, there is another option where you just pay out-of-pocket for $1,300 as if you never had insurance in the first place and this won’t go towards your deductible but it may or may not be more or less than what you’d pay if you went through your insurance and paid towards your deductible. Solve this equation to no longer have cancer.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t confused. I also feel like Mr Grinch himself now that the IVF hormones are swimming around and spicing things up. The last thing in the world I would want to be is ungrateful, because the fact is not lost on me that I am incredibly lucky to have access to this medicine and miraculous technology. Everyone says if you’re going to have cancer, make sure it’s breast cancer and get it treated in the States! They’re not wrong, but I don’t understand how anyone can be expected to wade their way through this bureaucratic minefield of paradoxes, let alone someone who is processing a cancer diagnosis.

This weekend, I decided to publish my first blog post and share my diagnosis on Facebook. This was an entirely selfish and therapeutic act on my part. I wanted to rid myself of the anger I felt and also have a place to direct any friends or family when they had questions. The response I received was utterly astonishing. I have never been so humbled in my life as I was to receive so many emails, phone calls, texts, messages and comments of support. In fact, they’re still coming through now. I feel so ridiculously lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life that care about me, who want to support me in any way they can, and above all who want to tell me that they love me. It was an overwhelming yet uplifting weekend, where I felt a little less alone and a little more indestructible. On top of that, my beautiful friends Annie and Nate started an online fundraising campaign to help me raise funds for medical expenses such as described above, and also for the IVF which is not covered by insurance. It is not an exaggeration when I say that come tomorrow’s MRI, Bret and I will no longer have any of the savings we’ve spent a year building, and we’re only a week into this thing. Cancer happens just like that, with no warning and no care of who you have supporting you and what figure you have in your bank account. I may have won the world’s worst lottery, but how lucky am I to have people who will not let me get swept away by this?

To each and every person who has contacted me, shared my gofundme or donated to my health and future happiness… thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will be grateful for the rest of (what I’m deciding will be) my very long life.

With love,

Emma and Bret xxx